opiaturbation

how now?

...do i even bother
if you don't...

erased are the memories of my past from my thoughts and folders in my computer...but strange how a folder sitting on my desktop are photos of your engagement and happy times hahahaha...the things my heart have to grow through...so funny sometimes

well you know what...i got you and you are all mine

that's all that matters baby

i know you're gonna hate me for this but i'm just writing here not to tell you about how i feel...but to let it out to save myself for feeling sorry. i also know very well how you hate to hear about ur past being used against you but this time its not about using it against you. actually this has nothing to do with hating your past because i don't hate it i accept it.

its just i wonder whether i'm really special to you and to your family...when i look at photos of your past...you look just as happy as you are now...same smiles same funny poses same hugs same everything...even the same blue box...i know i would be thinking too much and i know i am...but just let my mind wonder for a bit now because sometimes it is important to really know the true value of your own existence and ask yourself if you're really that special...when i say you its actually me...whether i'm really that special or i just happen to be

happenstance to be exact

do i really make you feel a different kind of happy? a different kind of love? a different kind of feeling that you had never felt before? if you say you have always been the same...then the math to that is the answers for all of these question is "no"?

but i will always remember the pact you made with your bestfriend that when you find the one and only...you would give him a call...and that was the one call you made to him about me...i feel better already

do you really belong to me?
are my hands really made for you to hold?
and my lips for you to own?
sometimes you just know when something is beautiful
but when you take a second look everything else
looks just as beautiful
i guess nobody can ever be sure about anything
but you can be sure i'll never see the lesser of you
do you really belong to me?
are your words mine to cherish?
and my lips for you to own?
i'm a hopeless romantic
that is the only excuse i have for myself
my mind is like a monster
that lives inside of me
it craves you
it watches you
it wants to eat you
it wants you
do you really belong to me?
is your love mine to keep?
and your lips mine to taste
and even so...

giving up on love
don't you think is the only way out?
call me a coward
say whatever you please
nothing that i'm already getting out of this
could ever make me see the hope
that i once thought love could bring to anyone
love is the real ephemereal
never forever. really.

my body weakens with your absence
you may think this prophecy is highly romaticized
but there is nothing romantic about you not being here

i miss you and i hope you have a clue...i know you do but do you really know how much?
i miss your sweet voice the most...

i'm really feeling so low that you're not the first person i look at when i wake up in the morning...but you're the first person and the only person i'm really missing so much...3 more fridays sound soooooo long!

thanks for the message this morning my sweet husband...it kept me cool for a bit

it has been one day since you left for new zealand...i guess i was mentally prepared that i won't get to see you for 2 weeks because i'm used to ou staying in camp but what i didn't prepare myself for is the fact that i won't be hearing from you much either...

i miss you so much and all i can think about are ways to get close to you like keep logging into facebook just to look at your profile page...looking through folders after folders of photos of you and us...i miss you smiles so much. you have the most beautiful smile i have ever seen and the best part is your smiles are mine to imagine and smile about in return..writing here helps me feel like i'm talking to you. i really miss you so much baby. i've got this clock on my laptop that shows the time in new zealand...everytime i look at it i tell myself...you will be back soon enough and i wanna hug you and not let you go...

i've got no mood to do anything i set out for to do today...i'm just proud i did the silly flash animation i have to do for friday but everything else i can't bring myself to do at all...i just miss your voice and kisses and hugs...and smiles and laughters and i miss disturbing you sighs...

come back into my arms when i sleep tonight ok? i'll be waiting for you...please keep yourself warm

i love you

Nothing feels right when I'm not with you
Sick of this dress and these Jimmy Choos
Taking them off cause I feel a fool
Trying to dress up when I'm missing you
Ima step out of this lingerie
Curl up in a ball with something Hanes
In that I lay, with nothing but your t-shirt on

sometimes u say things like u don't own me like "oooh thats your problem i dun wanna get involved..."


irony at its best...how to not feel stranded? wait what was the word.."alone"?

Ku mencintaimu, lebih dari apapun
Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu
Ku mencintaimu, sedalam-dalam hatiku
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku...

Ku tahu ku takkan selalu ada untukmu
Disaat engkau merindukan diriku
Ku tahu ku takkan bisa memberikanmu waktu
Yang panjang dalam hidupku

Yakinlah bahwa engkau adalah cintaku
Yang ku cari selama ini dalam hidupku
Dan hanya padamu ku berikan sisa cintaku
Yang panjang dalam hidupku...

Ku mencintaimu, lebih dari apapun
Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu
Ku mencintaimu, sedalam-dalam hatiku
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku...

Ku mencintaimu, lebih dari apapun
Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu
Ku mencintaimu, sedalam-dalam hatiku
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku...

Ooh...

Ku mencintaimu, lebih dari apapun
Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tahu
Ku mencintaimu, sedalam-dalam hatiku
Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku...

we used to write everyday...i'm not afraid to admit i look forward to waking up to my daily bread which is really that 'inbox (1)' in my myspace inbox back then...you said you were gonna say it all in a book and somehow at the back of my head i couldn't move on from that thought.

and when we stopped writing...i stopped writing ever since.

you tell me, you say
"I walk in fire, you walk in fire"

ps: i hope you have better knees and joints now

i know these are tough times for you...and that's where you will see me trying my best to make sure you realise i care and that you are not alone. no matter what they have to say, you were always doing your best and what is right for all and you know it yourself. I hope I don't have to remind you that you are special and that you are one of the kindest soul I have ever known...and even if I have to say that a million times before you realise it, I will spend the rest of my life making sure you don't go by a day not knowing that you are special and you mean the world to me even when the world tears you apart...you deserve nothing but the best and the time is now...i'm glad to be back in your life again...sorry it took us 5 years and countless obstacles..

it's thursday...which means 3 nights to go...
i have been listening to lupe fiasco so much so that even when my ipod is off my ear...the songs play on in my head..mr. lupe fiasco if you read this..come to Singapore soon ok? I'm sure you miss us...haha and bring Chris Haslam along...

thank you.

In this life where the constants remain constants
and everyday you find yourself at the beginning once again
it's obvious we've been wrong too many times
it's obvious we were looking at the wrong options
now baby this is the right time
even if there is no right time
after all that we've been through
we finally came back to each other
they say when you love something let it go
and if it comes back, then you'll know
well, now we know.

and so I have this big two year plan...
study hard...do well...and take a seat back and enjoi...

yeap...

have you ever wondered how you would be if you were the opposite sex? for example...i always know how i would be if i was a guy...how i would treat my gf and how i want to be for her...the right things to say and the right moves reflective to how i want to be treated as a girl...and then you actually meet that person you imagined yourself to be...makes you want to sing "singing don't worry about a thing...everything is gonna be alright......"

it could very well be me...

how do i make sure i understand the situation i am faced with.
i feel so strongly about this but i still feel like the place is not mine to stand on.
you make me feel like i could be the one but you also make me reconsider my position.
who am i to think of you tonight? who am i to feel hurt by you?
who am i to question you? who am i to tell you what's right and what's not?
who am i to miss you?

i see myself...at the bottomless sinking level once again...
and it hurts all over again..

this place is all too familiar..playing with memories of a time ruled by imagination and hope. seriously, how many times is one allowed to experience this? once? once too many time?
just as you thought that you are done for the day, someone walks in and holds you back to remind you that it doesn't stop here. you pick yourself up and walk on, stronger than before.

honest to God, i really don't have the words to describe all these crazy beautiful emotions. the english language is a sorry exit pass that any of us could use to describe life. the real life. the real truth. so by now you should get the idea...so if you see me again...stop asking questions..but start giving me the truth.

if i was simple minded...i would simply say "i've found me in you...and you in me."
it is complicated.